By Melissa Field
CHAPTER FIVE
Rocky Mountain National Park, Colorado
Jordan unfolded the piece of paper that had been tucked into the side pocket of her backpack. The left edge was jagged from the way it’d been torn out. Dark creases lined the middle of the page, making it a little hard to follow the diagrams for tying the knot. She’d put the page in her pack a year prior when she’d been living on a sailboat. It had been so long since she’d thought of her sailing trip. As she reread the paper she remembered the boat, her tiny cabin, Hunter, the islands, the mornings at sea. It was nice to remember all of it. The memories gave her a good feeling. She reread the page once more, happy she’d discovered it was still around.
"The Good Luck Knot is a classic Chinese knot. In ancient times China was known as the Middle Kingdom. It was believed to be the center of a vast square Earth, surrounded by four seas, and thus was symbolized by a square. Today a square is still representative of Earth due to four compass points and four seasons.
“Tie the knot in alternating directions to form a square in the center. When finished, two lines cross each other inside the square. These are symbolic of the abstract, or spirit world. Solid and abstract, or Earth and Spirit world, intertwine harmoniously to compose the face of the knot. Although this knot is purely decorative, many sailors enjoy making it because it is said to bring good luck to those who carry it."
Jordan opened her trunk and put in her backpack. She kept the old page from the knot book in her jeans pants pocket. She looked at the tent and saw Aviva turned to the side, sleeping. Jordan pictured Gautam lying behind Aviva, sleeping with his arm around her.
Yuck.
The seamless bond Jordan and Aviva had shared since kids was gone. Their interactions were bumpy now, sometimes edgy. But nonetheless Jordan was glad Aviva made the trip out. Jordan had been wanting Aviva to meet Noah. Having a new boyfriend was doing more than making Jordan happy in the present. It was helping her to move on from the past, and she hated that she needed to show that to Aviva. Jordan needed to prove she had changed, she was in a new place, and it was a good place. Jordan knew her relationship with Noah should be enough. But it wasn’t. She needed Aviva to see it. And now Aviva had. But something was still there. Something was still nagging at Jordan and making her feel restless.
She went to the bathroom. She came out, turned a corner and stopped short, inches away from slamming into another camper. The girl’s hood was pulled over her hair. Dark brown eyes popped against olive skin. Her features had a strong look to them. Sharp angled eyebrows, a thick nose, thicker lips and high cheekbones gave her a Pakistani appearance. She looked so much like Aviva.
Jesus Christ that is Aviva. I need to get my glasses on.
Jordan touched Aviva on the shoulder, as if to make sure it was really her. Aviva pulled back her hood. Long black hair fell forward.
“I didn’t recognize you,” said Jordan. “You looked like -” Jordan caught herself and stopped. Her face froze in panic. She didn’t want to see Pakistani. That would piss Aviva off. Indian? Worse. Say something. Aviva waited for her to continue.
“Like what?” Aviva’s sneakers poked out below heart covered pants. “What were you going to say? I look like what?”
“Like your mom." Lie. "You look just like your mom.” Jordan gritted her teeth. She didn’t know how Aviva would respond.
“I do?” Aviva’s eyes brightened. She smiled. “Thank you."
“You bet.”
After bowls of hot oats with milk and brown sugar they finished packing up. Jordan threw their sleeping bags in and closed the trunk. Aviva slid into the passenger seat as Jordan got behind the wheel.
“Got your papers?” asked Jordan.
Aviva pulled her e-ticket out of her purse. She looked it over. “Check.”
“Did you have fun?”
“Double check. I wish I could stay longer. It was so good to meet Noah. How crazy is it you guys met in Antarctica?”
“Did you like him?”
“Very much. Nice guy.”
Jordan's mind flashed back to the day she and Aviva met Gautam. A heavy silence fell over them.
"Noah really is great,” said Jordan. “And I’m stoked I could show you some of the park. Colorado’s amazing."
"You guys should visit us in Portland. All four of us could go camping together. And you could stay with us too. Gautam and I will be in our new place next week. Twice the space, so now you have a reason to come.”
“I would come even if you moved into a smaller place.”
“You never saw us in our old place.”
“Yes I did.”
“Once.” Aviva looked down. "I want this weirdness to end. Gautam and I have been together almost three years.”
“Does that include the time he was with me also?”
“Jordan.”
“Aviva.”
Aviva tapped her paper on her knee. "Will you be home for Christmas?"
"No."
"What are you and Noah doing?"
"I'm waiting to hear on a job I applied for."
"You might be working?"
"I might be in Montana."
"With Noah?"
"I don't know.”
“Hold up, what aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on Jay Bird, I can see you’re hiding something. Didn’t we make a resolve to stop hiding things from each other? You said it was important for us to be honest and know we had support.”
“I wish you didn’t remember everything I said.” There was no traffic and Jordan was gradually increasing her speed. “And I wish you weren’t right. There is something, but I can’t figure out if it’s me or us.”
“Us as in you and me?”
“Us as in me and Noah. Something doesn’t feel right. Something tells me we’re going to break up.”
“I really didn’t get that feeling when I was with you guys. Maybe you’re looking for problems because you’re not used to things going so well.”
“Just because things are good doesn’t mean their perfect. Sometimes I look at Noah and my life and I feel so completely bored I can’t stand it. And it’s not that he’s boring, he just doesn’t make me excited. It’s like we’re roommates sometimes and not lovers.”
“Do you love him?”
“I love how comfortable I am with him.” Jordan slowed down, she couldn’t afford a speeding ticket. “Which is kind of the problem. I’m starting to think that maybe I mistook our friend love for something more. And sometimes I wonder if Noah uses me to fill the void left by his brother.”
“I can tell he loves you, he’s not with you to use you. He’s not the type. You’re being paranoid.”
“Are you Noah’s friend or mine?”
“I’m only trying to help you see things clearly. This is probably a rough patch. It’ll pass. You guys will be fine.”
“Are you afraid of what I’ll do if this ends?”
“You know I’ll always worry about you. I care about you.”
“If you remember everything I said then I wish you’d remember the part where I told you to stop worrying about me. I’m not a child.”
Aviva folded her print out and returned it to her purse. “I’m only going to say one thing. When you’re with the right one, you know. You don’t question it or think about the time before you met, you only know you’re together and you always will be.”
“Gautam said something to that affect about you once. He just knew.”
“I don’t want to upset you, but I think we might be getting engaged soon.”
“Why would that upset me? I have a whole life that's been going on for years since I broke up with Gautam and -"
"He broke up with you."
"Is that what he told you?"
“That’s what happened.”
Jordan was speeding again. She slowed down and then spoke. "I feel like I forgot something. Did you check we got off everything off the table?"
"I looked everything over twice."
"Hmmmm. Congratulations on the engagement to be engaged."
“Thank you.”
“And I promise I’ll come visit. I know I’ve avoided it, and you came all the way out here, so I’m going to put more effort in also.”
Jordan pulled up to the front of the airport. She hugged Aviva and said goodbye, the tension of the car ride lingering as Aviva walked away. Jordan returned to her car with hopes the tension would be gone. It wasn't. She turned up her stereo and lit a joint to avoid thinking about Noah.
She turned the music up louder and rolled down the windows. The autumn air made her think of a corn maze she got lost in as a child.
Her car bounced up into the driveway and she turned down the music. Noah came outside and she got out of the car. He was showing his weight gain, his body returning to the way it had been when she’d met him in Antarctica. She liked his appearance this way. It was mostly his face that looked better. It looked refreshed, younger. The tension she’d felt melted away. Her arms opened, and she slid up close to him. She didn’t understand how she’d felt so unsure about him a minute ago. All she felt now was contentment. Standing in his arms, in their driveway, was right where she wanted to be. He was perfect. She loved him.
"I’m so glad you’re back," he said. He hugged her and kissed her. His eyes were red and looked heavy from lack of sleep. "The place was too quiet.”
She closed her eyes, reaching out to him. She traced her finger down the front of his face, then around his jaw, over his lips and ended with her hand cupped on his cheek. She liked to try and see Noah the way his blind father did. Noah's features were very proportional, and his skin seemed softer when she held his face with her eyes closed. It felt good to touch him. In a weird flash, she could see herself back in her car, driving away. Alone. She kissed his lips and held him tighter, making the imaginary visual go away.
“Did you sleep at all?” she asked.
“I tried to. I hate when you're gone. Were you warm enough last night? I was worried you should've taken the other sleeping bag."
"We were fine."
"I'm glad I could finally meet your friend. It seemed like everything went well."
"She wants us to come visit her and Gautam."
“Let’s do it.”
“No, tell me you don’t want to. You have to be my excuse not to go.”
He wrapped his arms up higher, holding her close against his chest. It was something he’d started doing in the past few weeks, holding her tight for long periods. His nose buried in her hair and he took a big sniff.
"I thought you were going to quit?" he asked.
"I am. I got some weed for the camping trip. What's the big deal?"
She went around and opened the trunk. Noah leaned against the bumper, his hands resting on the metal frame. Jordan picked up her tent and held it out to him.
"Can you take that in?" she asked.
She looked at her watch. Time moved slower than it used to. During the past month it slowed down so much each second was noticeable.
“Are you unhappy?” He set the tent on the ground. “Because you once told me you smoked a lot of weed when you were depressed.”
“That was different. I’m very happy. I'm tired from the trip, that's all."
"Where's the lantern?"
Jordan’s chin dropped. She closed one hand into a fist. She raised the fist and looked at her watch. Ten seconds ticked by. "Shit. I knew I forgot something."
"That was my dad's."
"I'll get you a new one."
"Don't bother. It's not like he can use it."
Noah walked away.
"Hey, hold on." She continued to dig in her bag. "I missed you."
He didn’t stop. She found her weed and went around the car, grabbing her tent on the way. In the walkway she tripped, the tent flew forward, and her hands smacked cement. She pulled herself up and saw the rip at the bottom of her jeans.
Her palms stung as she went in. She threw the tent on the couch. Noah stood before the open refrigerator, touching nothing.
"I missed you," she said. She touched his back. He didn’t respond and she ran her hand up higher, pushing it into his dirty blonde hair. It was unwashed.
He grabbed a beer and closed the refrigerator.
“Maybe I wanted one too,” she said.
“You can’t have one.”
“Why not?”
“They’re only for people who communicate. It says so on the label.”
She put her hands on his arms. In only his t-shirt she could feel his softness, his muscles still strong but hidden below a fat layer. Her hands went onto his shoulders and hung there. His frown eased up. As she moved her hands up to his neck his shoulders relaxed. He smiled, and she could see the concern in his eyes. He pulled her close and held her for a long time. He kissed her neck and she froze, overcome again with the visual of herself driving away, alone.
“I love you so much,” she said.
"Why won't you tell me what happened?" he asked, putting one arm around her. "You and Aviva had a fight or something. I can tell. Why won’t you talk to me about it? Did she say something?"
Jordan looked into his eyes and searched for the right thing to say. She didn't know how to tell him Aviva wasn’t the problem. He was. Or Jordan was. One of them. Or both, together. But not Aviva. She pushed her head against his chest, but this time he didn’t grab her and hold her. She couldn’t stand it and she wrapped her arms around him. She hugged him tighter and tighter until she could tell it was hurting him, and she softened her grip.
“Whatever you’re thinking,” said Noah, “just say it.”
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" she asked.
Noah looked confused and annoyed. He leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. "Here. With you."
"Here? In Boulder? You like it here that much?"
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
"Following the spice trail across Asia."
"Do you see me with you?"
"I don't have a crystal ball."
"What's so bad about here?"
"Nothing, but when did we decide we'd never go anywhere again?"
"We go places. Where do you want to go?"
"I don't mean a weekend trip somewhere. I mean take off, get rid of all this crap and spend a year somewhere. We used to be like that. Remember? Aren't you that guy that joined me in France on a moment's notice?"
"Yes. But I’m different now. We’re different.”
“What if we are different but not in the same way?”
“Meaning what?”
Noah offered her his beer. She took a sip and then set it on the counter.
“Sometimes people grow in different directions,” she said. She picked up the beer and downed the rest of it. Her heart had begun to pound and her head felt light. They had never spoken like this before. They rarely even spoke of the future, it had always seemed natural it would just continue as is, them, together, here. But in the past few weeks, she’d begun to consider the future, and it always had the same visual. Her, driving away. Alone. She hated the visual. She loved Noah.
“After all the ways we kept coming together, I never wondered where we’d be in ten years,” he said. “I figured wherever I was, you’d be there too. But I guess that’s not what you see, is it?”
Jordan looked down and slowly nodded.
"Wait, no, what am I agreeing to?" She put her hands on his face. "I love you."
"Do you?"
Noah lowered his arm and stepped back. He leaned back against the kitchen counter. "Are you seeing another guy?"
“How could you think that?" She started to cry. She realized how bad it looked, it made her look guilty. She couldn’t stop the tears though, and the harder she tried the more it made her throat hurt and head feel dizzy.
"Then what is it?” he asked. “What are you hiding? It’s something, or you wouldn’t be a water works right now."
"I would never even consider being with someone behind your back. Maybe if I get this new job I applied for -”
"New job?" Noah smacked his palm against his forehead. "Is that why you're being weird? You told Aviva, didn’t you? Why can’t you tell me? You used to tell me everything." His face tightened in anger. “I don’t get what changed.”
She could still see the anger on his face, but his voice was full of hurt. It made her cry harder, and she had to calm herself before she spoke again. She wiped her tears onto her sleeve.
"I think I'd make a good team runner,” she said.
“A dog team runner? Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how fast those dogs go?”
“Yes, I know. I know how it works. I lived in Alaska. I have done it before, that was why I applied. I am capable of doing more than serving coffee to fat bitches who can’t make their own.”
“You don’t have to get nasty. I just don’t know why you would enjoy that. I have friends who’ve done it. It’s long hours and lonely. Really lonely. Why would you wanna spend a winter doing that? We'd barely see each other. Or is that what you want?"
“I want you to come with me. We could live in town together.”
“What town? What are you talking about?”
“Bozeman.” The tears sprang from her eyes. She covered them with her hands. She hated that she was doing this, she was making everything so hard, and then she cried over it like she wasn’t the one doing it. And then the visual, she was driving away, alone. “Noah, I love you. I’m so confused right now, but I love you. Say you’ll come with me. Let’s get out of here and have another adventure. I want you to come.”
She grabbed his hand. He no longer looked angry, only shocked. He didn’t hold her hand in return, but he didn’t pull away either.
“As in Bozeman, Montana?” he asked.
She nodded, squeezing his hand tighter.
“I knew it,” he said. “You’re unhappy.”
“I need some time to figure out why this feels different. We both do."
"It doesn’t feel different, it’s that you’re acting different. Why can’t you see that? When were you planning to tell me about Montana?"
"When I knew if it was even an option. I'm not hired yet.”
Noah shook his head and started to walk away. He mumbled something as he opened their bedroom door.
"Noah, wait, don’t, damn it would you stop walking away?"
"Let me know when you're ready to be honest. Then we'll talk more."
“I’m ready now."
"What else you kept me from me?" He turned his head slightly. She could see he was holding back his own tears. She hated herself to her core for making him upset.
"Nothing. I swear."
"There is someone else, isn't there?"
"No, definitely not. Why do you think that?"
“If you have to ask then you must think I’m really stupid.”
“I don’t. And there’s not. You’re not stupid. I don’t think that. I love you and only you. You believe me, right? Say something. Don’t close the -”
Noah closed the bedroom door. She came up to it and leaned her face against it. The sounds of a basketball game came through off of the TV.
"Noah?"
She sat down on the couch and kicked her heels up on the coffee table. It was stuffy in the house. Without him around the urge to cry uncontrollably passed. She didn’t understand it. She still felt sad and empty and confused, but without him there, she could at least stabilize. She went outside to the porch. It was better outside, but her chest still ached with tightness.
The air was warmer than it had been in the park. Pure blue sky above, not a cloud for a mile. Perfect conditions to be at the lake. If only she was at the lake, avoiding all this a little bit longer. She pulled her knees up and leaned on them.
The front door opened. She kept her head down, hoping the right words would magically come to her. He came and sat down next to her. He held her coat.
"I thought you might need this," he said, draping the coat on her shoulders. "I know how you get."
The tears sprang from her eyes. He was being so god damn nice. Just like he always was. He wasn’t being nice just to prove anything. He was genuinely a caring person.
"Thank you,” she sniffled. “I was cold."
"I figured."
"I won't go if it means we're over." It came out so easy, but she could feel how empty the words were. It was like she’d blown bubbles into the air rather than making a promise to stay.
"But you want to leave?" he asked.
"With you. I want to leave with you. I love you." That at least she was sure about. She loved Noah, that was clear and solid in her mind and heart. But when she should go, if she should go alone, if she would be okay alone, if she would suffocate if she stayed, if she would be miserable without him, those thoughts were all caked in mud.
"We'll talk about it later," he said.
She slid her hands into the sleeves of the coat. He put his arm around her and she leaned into him. He pulled her close, wrapped both arms around her, and held her tight for a long time. When he let go she felt the space between them like it a cold and wide crevice in Antarctica.
The pink dogwood tree in the yard across the street was preparing for winter. Its leaves were now a deep red, many already on the ground. The neighbor's black lab sat in the tree’s shadow, unmoving. The dog was so still she thought it might be dead. She stood up, wanting to check. The lab lifted its head and she sat back down.
****
Noah understands me, he's the most caring person I've ever met. And he's funny. And he puts up with my wackness. Did I really just think the word wackness? What am I doing? I have to stay. I have to.
Jordan put her hand into the box of detergent. She pinched some of the soap grains between her fingers. They were rough and stuck to her fingers as she rubbed them together. She looked up. Noah stood in the doorway staring at her.
“Hey you,” she said. She looked around for something to wipe the soap on. She saw nothing. He came over and held her hand. He dusted off the detergent and continued to hold her hand.
“What were you staring at?” she asked.
"You. You’re beautiful.”
"Thank you.” She could feel the tears coming.
“Oh god, not that again,” he said. “Please, no more crying. I don’t care that you applied for some job in Montana. It’s forgotten, okay?”
Jordan picked up the laundry basket, avoiding his eyes.
“You said if they were going to offer you the job it would’ve happened by now.” Noah put his hands on the laundry basket also. “It wasn’t meant to be. I knew it wasn’t. We’re meant to be here together. Or else lizards will take over the world.”
She put her hands onto his.
"Noah?"
"Yeah?"
"You make me really happy. You also make me feel beautiful. And loved. I've never felt so loved before. I'm lucky to be with you."
Noah smiled and put his arm around her waist. “Thanks babe. You make me really happy too.”
"I love you," she said, as they got into bed together. He kissed her, his body pressing against hers.
“I love you too,” he said. “Are any of my socks in the washer?”
“Those went in first. They smelled like ass.”
“So they’re all in?”
“All of ‘em.”
“I need some for work tomorrow.”
“I’ll get up later and put them in the dryer.”
“That’s okay. I’ll wear yours.”
“Nooooo, don’t do that. Your feet get nasty.” She scrunched up her nose.
“Too late,” he said. “I’m wearing your socks right now.”
“I had no idea you were into that.”
They laughed, and Jordan pressed her lips against his. His hand caressed her neck and shoulder. It felt good, and in a way she wished it didn’t. She wished it all felt wrong and there weren’t a million questions in her head.
“Noah?”
“Hmmmmm?”
“They called me this morning. I got the job.”
“Are you going to take it?”
“I don’t know.”
"The Good Luck Knot is a classic Chinese knot. In ancient times China was known as the Middle Kingdom. It was believed to be the center of a vast square Earth, surrounded by four seas, and thus was symbolized by a square. Today a square is still representative of Earth due to four compass points and four seasons.
“Tie the knot in alternating directions to form a square in the center. When finished, two lines cross each other inside the square. These are symbolic of the abstract, or spirit world. Solid and abstract, or Earth and Spirit world, intertwine harmoniously to compose the face of the knot. Although this knot is purely decorative, many sailors enjoy making it because it is said to bring good luck to those who carry it."
Jordan opened her trunk and put in her backpack. She kept the old page from the knot book in her jeans pants pocket. She looked at the tent and saw Aviva turned to the side, sleeping. Jordan pictured Gautam lying behind Aviva, sleeping with his arm around her.
Yuck.
The seamless bond Jordan and Aviva had shared since kids was gone. Their interactions were bumpy now, sometimes edgy. But nonetheless Jordan was glad Aviva made the trip out. Jordan had been wanting Aviva to meet Noah. Having a new boyfriend was doing more than making Jordan happy in the present. It was helping her to move on from the past, and she hated that she needed to show that to Aviva. Jordan needed to prove she had changed, she was in a new place, and it was a good place. Jordan knew her relationship with Noah should be enough. But it wasn’t. She needed Aviva to see it. And now Aviva had. But something was still there. Something was still nagging at Jordan and making her feel restless.
She went to the bathroom. She came out, turned a corner and stopped short, inches away from slamming into another camper. The girl’s hood was pulled over her hair. Dark brown eyes popped against olive skin. Her features had a strong look to them. Sharp angled eyebrows, a thick nose, thicker lips and high cheekbones gave her a Pakistani appearance. She looked so much like Aviva.
Jesus Christ that is Aviva. I need to get my glasses on.
Jordan touched Aviva on the shoulder, as if to make sure it was really her. Aviva pulled back her hood. Long black hair fell forward.
“I didn’t recognize you,” said Jordan. “You looked like -” Jordan caught herself and stopped. Her face froze in panic. She didn’t want to see Pakistani. That would piss Aviva off. Indian? Worse. Say something. Aviva waited for her to continue.
“Like what?” Aviva’s sneakers poked out below heart covered pants. “What were you going to say? I look like what?”
“Like your mom." Lie. "You look just like your mom.” Jordan gritted her teeth. She didn’t know how Aviva would respond.
“I do?” Aviva’s eyes brightened. She smiled. “Thank you."
“You bet.”
After bowls of hot oats with milk and brown sugar they finished packing up. Jordan threw their sleeping bags in and closed the trunk. Aviva slid into the passenger seat as Jordan got behind the wheel.
“Got your papers?” asked Jordan.
Aviva pulled her e-ticket out of her purse. She looked it over. “Check.”
“Did you have fun?”
“Double check. I wish I could stay longer. It was so good to meet Noah. How crazy is it you guys met in Antarctica?”
“Did you like him?”
“Very much. Nice guy.”
Jordan's mind flashed back to the day she and Aviva met Gautam. A heavy silence fell over them.
"Noah really is great,” said Jordan. “And I’m stoked I could show you some of the park. Colorado’s amazing."
"You guys should visit us in Portland. All four of us could go camping together. And you could stay with us too. Gautam and I will be in our new place next week. Twice the space, so now you have a reason to come.”
“I would come even if you moved into a smaller place.”
“You never saw us in our old place.”
“Yes I did.”
“Once.” Aviva looked down. "I want this weirdness to end. Gautam and I have been together almost three years.”
“Does that include the time he was with me also?”
“Jordan.”
“Aviva.”
Aviva tapped her paper on her knee. "Will you be home for Christmas?"
"No."
"What are you and Noah doing?"
"I'm waiting to hear on a job I applied for."
"You might be working?"
"I might be in Montana."
"With Noah?"
"I don't know.”
“Hold up, what aren’t you telling me?”
“Nothing.”
“Come on Jay Bird, I can see you’re hiding something. Didn’t we make a resolve to stop hiding things from each other? You said it was important for us to be honest and know we had support.”
“I wish you didn’t remember everything I said.” There was no traffic and Jordan was gradually increasing her speed. “And I wish you weren’t right. There is something, but I can’t figure out if it’s me or us.”
“Us as in you and me?”
“Us as in me and Noah. Something doesn’t feel right. Something tells me we’re going to break up.”
“I really didn’t get that feeling when I was with you guys. Maybe you’re looking for problems because you’re not used to things going so well.”
“Just because things are good doesn’t mean their perfect. Sometimes I look at Noah and my life and I feel so completely bored I can’t stand it. And it’s not that he’s boring, he just doesn’t make me excited. It’s like we’re roommates sometimes and not lovers.”
“Do you love him?”
“I love how comfortable I am with him.” Jordan slowed down, she couldn’t afford a speeding ticket. “Which is kind of the problem. I’m starting to think that maybe I mistook our friend love for something more. And sometimes I wonder if Noah uses me to fill the void left by his brother.”
“I can tell he loves you, he’s not with you to use you. He’s not the type. You’re being paranoid.”
“Are you Noah’s friend or mine?”
“I’m only trying to help you see things clearly. This is probably a rough patch. It’ll pass. You guys will be fine.”
“Are you afraid of what I’ll do if this ends?”
“You know I’ll always worry about you. I care about you.”
“If you remember everything I said then I wish you’d remember the part where I told you to stop worrying about me. I’m not a child.”
Aviva folded her print out and returned it to her purse. “I’m only going to say one thing. When you’re with the right one, you know. You don’t question it or think about the time before you met, you only know you’re together and you always will be.”
“Gautam said something to that affect about you once. He just knew.”
“I don’t want to upset you, but I think we might be getting engaged soon.”
“Why would that upset me? I have a whole life that's been going on for years since I broke up with Gautam and -"
"He broke up with you."
"Is that what he told you?"
“That’s what happened.”
Jordan was speeding again. She slowed down and then spoke. "I feel like I forgot something. Did you check we got off everything off the table?"
"I looked everything over twice."
"Hmmmm. Congratulations on the engagement to be engaged."
“Thank you.”
“And I promise I’ll come visit. I know I’ve avoided it, and you came all the way out here, so I’m going to put more effort in also.”
Jordan pulled up to the front of the airport. She hugged Aviva and said goodbye, the tension of the car ride lingering as Aviva walked away. Jordan returned to her car with hopes the tension would be gone. It wasn't. She turned up her stereo and lit a joint to avoid thinking about Noah.
She turned the music up louder and rolled down the windows. The autumn air made her think of a corn maze she got lost in as a child.
Her car bounced up into the driveway and she turned down the music. Noah came outside and she got out of the car. He was showing his weight gain, his body returning to the way it had been when she’d met him in Antarctica. She liked his appearance this way. It was mostly his face that looked better. It looked refreshed, younger. The tension she’d felt melted away. Her arms opened, and she slid up close to him. She didn’t understand how she’d felt so unsure about him a minute ago. All she felt now was contentment. Standing in his arms, in their driveway, was right where she wanted to be. He was perfect. She loved him.
"I’m so glad you’re back," he said. He hugged her and kissed her. His eyes were red and looked heavy from lack of sleep. "The place was too quiet.”
She closed her eyes, reaching out to him. She traced her finger down the front of his face, then around his jaw, over his lips and ended with her hand cupped on his cheek. She liked to try and see Noah the way his blind father did. Noah's features were very proportional, and his skin seemed softer when she held his face with her eyes closed. It felt good to touch him. In a weird flash, she could see herself back in her car, driving away. Alone. She kissed his lips and held him tighter, making the imaginary visual go away.
“Did you sleep at all?” she asked.
“I tried to. I hate when you're gone. Were you warm enough last night? I was worried you should've taken the other sleeping bag."
"We were fine."
"I'm glad I could finally meet your friend. It seemed like everything went well."
"She wants us to come visit her and Gautam."
“Let’s do it.”
“No, tell me you don’t want to. You have to be my excuse not to go.”
He wrapped his arms up higher, holding her close against his chest. It was something he’d started doing in the past few weeks, holding her tight for long periods. His nose buried in her hair and he took a big sniff.
"I thought you were going to quit?" he asked.
"I am. I got some weed for the camping trip. What's the big deal?"
She went around and opened the trunk. Noah leaned against the bumper, his hands resting on the metal frame. Jordan picked up her tent and held it out to him.
"Can you take that in?" she asked.
She looked at her watch. Time moved slower than it used to. During the past month it slowed down so much each second was noticeable.
“Are you unhappy?” He set the tent on the ground. “Because you once told me you smoked a lot of weed when you were depressed.”
“That was different. I’m very happy. I'm tired from the trip, that's all."
"Where's the lantern?"
Jordan’s chin dropped. She closed one hand into a fist. She raised the fist and looked at her watch. Ten seconds ticked by. "Shit. I knew I forgot something."
"That was my dad's."
"I'll get you a new one."
"Don't bother. It's not like he can use it."
Noah walked away.
"Hey, hold on." She continued to dig in her bag. "I missed you."
He didn’t stop. She found her weed and went around the car, grabbing her tent on the way. In the walkway she tripped, the tent flew forward, and her hands smacked cement. She pulled herself up and saw the rip at the bottom of her jeans.
Her palms stung as she went in. She threw the tent on the couch. Noah stood before the open refrigerator, touching nothing.
"I missed you," she said. She touched his back. He didn’t respond and she ran her hand up higher, pushing it into his dirty blonde hair. It was unwashed.
He grabbed a beer and closed the refrigerator.
“Maybe I wanted one too,” she said.
“You can’t have one.”
“Why not?”
“They’re only for people who communicate. It says so on the label.”
She put her hands on his arms. In only his t-shirt she could feel his softness, his muscles still strong but hidden below a fat layer. Her hands went onto his shoulders and hung there. His frown eased up. As she moved her hands up to his neck his shoulders relaxed. He smiled, and she could see the concern in his eyes. He pulled her close and held her for a long time. He kissed her neck and she froze, overcome again with the visual of herself driving away, alone.
“I love you so much,” she said.
"Why won't you tell me what happened?" he asked, putting one arm around her. "You and Aviva had a fight or something. I can tell. Why won’t you talk to me about it? Did she say something?"
Jordan looked into his eyes and searched for the right thing to say. She didn't know how to tell him Aviva wasn’t the problem. He was. Or Jordan was. One of them. Or both, together. But not Aviva. She pushed her head against his chest, but this time he didn’t grab her and hold her. She couldn’t stand it and she wrapped her arms around him. She hugged him tighter and tighter until she could tell it was hurting him, and she softened her grip.
“Whatever you’re thinking,” said Noah, “just say it.”
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?" she asked.
Noah looked confused and annoyed. He leaned forward and kissed her on the lips. "Here. With you."
"Here? In Boulder? You like it here that much?"
"Where do you see yourself in ten years?"
"Following the spice trail across Asia."
"Do you see me with you?"
"I don't have a crystal ball."
"What's so bad about here?"
"Nothing, but when did we decide we'd never go anywhere again?"
"We go places. Where do you want to go?"
"I don't mean a weekend trip somewhere. I mean take off, get rid of all this crap and spend a year somewhere. We used to be like that. Remember? Aren't you that guy that joined me in France on a moment's notice?"
"Yes. But I’m different now. We’re different.”
“What if we are different but not in the same way?”
“Meaning what?”
Noah offered her his beer. She took a sip and then set it on the counter.
“Sometimes people grow in different directions,” she said. She picked up the beer and downed the rest of it. Her heart had begun to pound and her head felt light. They had never spoken like this before. They rarely even spoke of the future, it had always seemed natural it would just continue as is, them, together, here. But in the past few weeks, she’d begun to consider the future, and it always had the same visual. Her, driving away. Alone. She hated the visual. She loved Noah.
“After all the ways we kept coming together, I never wondered where we’d be in ten years,” he said. “I figured wherever I was, you’d be there too. But I guess that’s not what you see, is it?”
Jordan looked down and slowly nodded.
"Wait, no, what am I agreeing to?" She put her hands on his face. "I love you."
"Do you?"
Noah lowered his arm and stepped back. He leaned back against the kitchen counter. "Are you seeing another guy?"
“How could you think that?" She started to cry. She realized how bad it looked, it made her look guilty. She couldn’t stop the tears though, and the harder she tried the more it made her throat hurt and head feel dizzy.
"Then what is it?” he asked. “What are you hiding? It’s something, or you wouldn’t be a water works right now."
"I would never even consider being with someone behind your back. Maybe if I get this new job I applied for -”
"New job?" Noah smacked his palm against his forehead. "Is that why you're being weird? You told Aviva, didn’t you? Why can’t you tell me? You used to tell me everything." His face tightened in anger. “I don’t get what changed.”
She could still see the anger on his face, but his voice was full of hurt. It made her cry harder, and she had to calm herself before she spoke again. She wiped her tears onto her sleeve.
"I think I'd make a good team runner,” she said.
“A dog team runner? Do you know how hard that is? Do you know how fast those dogs go?”
“Yes, I know. I know how it works. I lived in Alaska. I have done it before, that was why I applied. I am capable of doing more than serving coffee to fat bitches who can’t make their own.”
“You don’t have to get nasty. I just don’t know why you would enjoy that. I have friends who’ve done it. It’s long hours and lonely. Really lonely. Why would you wanna spend a winter doing that? We'd barely see each other. Or is that what you want?"
“I want you to come with me. We could live in town together.”
“What town? What are you talking about?”
“Bozeman.” The tears sprang from her eyes. She covered them with her hands. She hated that she was doing this, she was making everything so hard, and then she cried over it like she wasn’t the one doing it. And then the visual, she was driving away, alone. “Noah, I love you. I’m so confused right now, but I love you. Say you’ll come with me. Let’s get out of here and have another adventure. I want you to come.”
She grabbed his hand. He no longer looked angry, only shocked. He didn’t hold her hand in return, but he didn’t pull away either.
“As in Bozeman, Montana?” he asked.
She nodded, squeezing his hand tighter.
“I knew it,” he said. “You’re unhappy.”
“I need some time to figure out why this feels different. We both do."
"It doesn’t feel different, it’s that you’re acting different. Why can’t you see that? When were you planning to tell me about Montana?"
"When I knew if it was even an option. I'm not hired yet.”
Noah shook his head and started to walk away. He mumbled something as he opened their bedroom door.
"Noah, wait, don’t, damn it would you stop walking away?"
"Let me know when you're ready to be honest. Then we'll talk more."
“I’m ready now."
"What else you kept me from me?" He turned his head slightly. She could see he was holding back his own tears. She hated herself to her core for making him upset.
"Nothing. I swear."
"There is someone else, isn't there?"
"No, definitely not. Why do you think that?"
“If you have to ask then you must think I’m really stupid.”
“I don’t. And there’s not. You’re not stupid. I don’t think that. I love you and only you. You believe me, right? Say something. Don’t close the -”
Noah closed the bedroom door. She came up to it and leaned her face against it. The sounds of a basketball game came through off of the TV.
"Noah?"
She sat down on the couch and kicked her heels up on the coffee table. It was stuffy in the house. Without him around the urge to cry uncontrollably passed. She didn’t understand it. She still felt sad and empty and confused, but without him there, she could at least stabilize. She went outside to the porch. It was better outside, but her chest still ached with tightness.
The air was warmer than it had been in the park. Pure blue sky above, not a cloud for a mile. Perfect conditions to be at the lake. If only she was at the lake, avoiding all this a little bit longer. She pulled her knees up and leaned on them.
The front door opened. She kept her head down, hoping the right words would magically come to her. He came and sat down next to her. He held her coat.
"I thought you might need this," he said, draping the coat on her shoulders. "I know how you get."
The tears sprang from her eyes. He was being so god damn nice. Just like he always was. He wasn’t being nice just to prove anything. He was genuinely a caring person.
"Thank you,” she sniffled. “I was cold."
"I figured."
"I won't go if it means we're over." It came out so easy, but she could feel how empty the words were. It was like she’d blown bubbles into the air rather than making a promise to stay.
"But you want to leave?" he asked.
"With you. I want to leave with you. I love you." That at least she was sure about. She loved Noah, that was clear and solid in her mind and heart. But when she should go, if she should go alone, if she would be okay alone, if she would suffocate if she stayed, if she would be miserable without him, those thoughts were all caked in mud.
"We'll talk about it later," he said.
She slid her hands into the sleeves of the coat. He put his arm around her and she leaned into him. He pulled her close, wrapped both arms around her, and held her tight for a long time. When he let go she felt the space between them like it a cold and wide crevice in Antarctica.
The pink dogwood tree in the yard across the street was preparing for winter. Its leaves were now a deep red, many already on the ground. The neighbor's black lab sat in the tree’s shadow, unmoving. The dog was so still she thought it might be dead. She stood up, wanting to check. The lab lifted its head and she sat back down.
****
Noah understands me, he's the most caring person I've ever met. And he's funny. And he puts up with my wackness. Did I really just think the word wackness? What am I doing? I have to stay. I have to.
Jordan put her hand into the box of detergent. She pinched some of the soap grains between her fingers. They were rough and stuck to her fingers as she rubbed them together. She looked up. Noah stood in the doorway staring at her.
“Hey you,” she said. She looked around for something to wipe the soap on. She saw nothing. He came over and held her hand. He dusted off the detergent and continued to hold her hand.
“What were you staring at?” she asked.
"You. You’re beautiful.”
"Thank you.” She could feel the tears coming.
“Oh god, not that again,” he said. “Please, no more crying. I don’t care that you applied for some job in Montana. It’s forgotten, okay?”
Jordan picked up the laundry basket, avoiding his eyes.
“You said if they were going to offer you the job it would’ve happened by now.” Noah put his hands on the laundry basket also. “It wasn’t meant to be. I knew it wasn’t. We’re meant to be here together. Or else lizards will take over the world.”
She put her hands onto his.
"Noah?"
"Yeah?"
"You make me really happy. You also make me feel beautiful. And loved. I've never felt so loved before. I'm lucky to be with you."
Noah smiled and put his arm around her waist. “Thanks babe. You make me really happy too.”
"I love you," she said, as they got into bed together. He kissed her, his body pressing against hers.
“I love you too,” he said. “Are any of my socks in the washer?”
“Those went in first. They smelled like ass.”
“So they’re all in?”
“All of ‘em.”
“I need some for work tomorrow.”
“I’ll get up later and put them in the dryer.”
“That’s okay. I’ll wear yours.”
“Nooooo, don’t do that. Your feet get nasty.” She scrunched up her nose.
“Too late,” he said. “I’m wearing your socks right now.”
“I had no idea you were into that.”
They laughed, and Jordan pressed her lips against his. His hand caressed her neck and shoulder. It felt good, and in a way she wished it didn’t. She wished it all felt wrong and there weren’t a million questions in her head.
“Noah?”
“Hmmmmm?”
“They called me this morning. I got the job.”
“Are you going to take it?”
“I don’t know.”
The Good Luck Knot is a book about hope, love, forgiveness and finding ourselves in the most unexpected ways.
Melissa Field went to California State University Chico but unfortunately (or maybe fortunately, depending on your view) spent more time drinking beer than going to class. After dropping out she took jobs in many interesting places (including Antarctica and the Alaskan Arctic) and fulfilled her need to learn. Many kind hearted people have taught her about their lives and also gave her a place to sleep, during her many travels. Besides writing she loves coffee, tea, and gardening. You can learn more about her and her travels through her website, melissafield.webs.com
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